Confession of a smoker

My biggest regret yet is the day I held a cigarette, lit it and took the very first drag. It was three years ago, near my college with a friend of a friend. I wish I could erase myself from that moment, then the entire time ahead till now would have been something else. Not that I am dying, but it would be a great achievement for myself to quit it. At times I have been an intense smoker, I would feel the smoke going in and then coming out, every muscle relaxed. I would forget the issue I was frustrated about. Every time, for a momentary happiness I would light a cigarette and smoke away my worries.

A smoker never cares about the weather. If he needs a cigarette, he would walk a mile to buy it, stand under the sun and would not really care about the throat infection he has. I am unfortunately one of them. I have spent thousands of rupees on buying cigarettes, and have literally burnt the money. Obviously, it is not a revelation that I have been a fool. But it took me a lot of time to be brave and write about it. A smoker always finds an excuse, a reason to smoke and so did I. Million times I have promised myself in my head to give up but then I would feel desperate and crippled.  Crippled because, an addiction chains you up in a way that you forget, you had a life once without it.

I live in New Delhi, where probably after every fifty meters there is a store to buy cigarettes called the ‘panwaadi’. I believe I have befriended a few of them. It is like they are calling you, whispering in your ears to light them. There are too many options and too less of my will power. The government has a funny scheme though, it raises the price. Funny because, when people did not stop putting onions in their food, why on earth will they stop buying a cigarette due to price hike? But anyway, I am choosing to believe that it is helping somebody.

The question is, why did all of this hit me today?  I was with a friend the entire day, watching movie and having lunch. It was a fun day, where at the end I realized I had just smoked once the entire day. I became so proud of myself that I thought to reward myself with a smoke. So, for that, after dropping her home I went to the nearest store and asked the guy for a pack of classic mild. To my surprise he replied “won’t this kill you madam?” To which I replied “but your selling it still aren't you?” I didn't expect myself to answer him back at that point. It was a small incident, as far as I know myself, I should have ignored the matter. But I couldn't, it got stuck in my head as I drove back home. At the last traffic light, just before reaching home, without thinking of the pros and cons, I threw the pack out of my window and kept driving.

I do not know if I have quit or planning to do so. Even if I am somewhere in my consciousness, I would probably curse myself for throwing away the cigarettes. I might buy it again the next day or I might steal away a few from my father’s pack. But for the very first time it hit me that I don’t have to be so desperate, and that I too have the guts to throw away the whole pack in the garbage. It is just a beginning; there is a long way to go. The frequent temptations ahead would make the process tougher every day.